backhanded texting.

Planning a birthday party at a venue that needs weeks of advance notice can be a frustrating experience, especially if you’re obsessed with reading yuppie soccer mom professional party planner blogs (me), and your friends are a bunch of indecisive, flakey college students (everyone else—wait, they’re the normal ones?). Here’s what they really mean…

“Maybe.”

60% of the time this is the female way of saying, “Probably not.” 20% of the time we actually mean, “I might consider it if you get enough of my friends on board, if you literally beg me and if you send me an invitation on a silk pillow carried to my apartment by pigeons.” The remaining 20% of the time we’re saying, “Yes, obviously I want to do that but I don’t want to seem over eager so I’m establishing an element of uncertainty.”

“For sure.”

This is the male way of saying either: “Yeah I’ll do it as long as it in no way inconveniences me,” or “Yes I want to appear as if I want to hang out with you because I don’t want you to dislike me, but at the same time if the opportunity of doing something better presents itself, I’m going to take it.”

And other backhanded texts translated:

“How are you feeling this morning?”

This means: “Last night you were so obliterated that I literally dragged your body cross-campus while you sang Disney songs and tried to get me to give you a piggy back ride.  You probably should’ve stopped at 6 beers but I’m glad you enjoyed your 12^th. If you ever drink that much again I’m publicly disowning you.”

This is effective when sent to guys. Girls should be texted something along the lines of “Hey girl last night was insane. You getting that drunk was in no way your fault…obviously. Are you okay? Do you need anything??”

“Ok.”

One of my guy friends got the above text message from his girlfriend after he sent her a text explaining why he would have to cancel on dinner plans and he asked me if I thought she was angry. My response was, “Yup.” A one-word text followed by a period? Kiss of death.

“Wheerrrr R yoiiu ? lm; !!!”

“Hi, I’m in PB.”